How a Child Views Divorce
13 Jan 2010
My parents have been divorced a total of 4 times. My step-parents have new spouses, so it works out into an odd step-step-parent combination. I have seen and faced all sorts of divorces that are settled within the confines of four walls or shamefully fought in public. I managed to survive each one. though none of them were at all pleasant. I will describe my own experiences so that you or your child will hopefully see that divorce is as much a new beginning as it is an end.
Divorce rarely end nicely. When divorce is considered spouses are usually not friendly to the idea. The most difficult things I ever witnessed my mother do was to acknowledge the conflict and the fact that she was not in love. The difficult part was recognizing that you could stop loving someone without having to start hating him or her. It is too common nowadays that individuals come to hate one another instead of acknowledging that they are simply no longer in love and are able to move on with an amicable divorce. This type is usually caused by some sort of rift that people can forgive one another for, but not forget. An amicable divorce is very similar to the next type I will discuss: the apathetic divorce.
Apathetic divorce is also a scary and sensitive issue. A child watching a marriage slowly die a lonely death is often a child who thinks if they just try harder, their parents will be happy. In my experience, this kind of divorce is the hardest to cope with. You can see your parents grow apart, and no cuteness, good behavior, or good grades will bring back the spark. It’s essential that you explain to the child that sometimes relationships don’t work out and people go their seperate ways and it’s no ones fault.
A third sort of divorce, though it appears to be the most damaging, is the least difficult style I’ve had to manage. While they were still extremely unsettling and traumatic, the issues were at least out in the open, not smoldering and invoking a sense of a bomb waiting to go off. It’s unquestionable that waiting for a disaster is far tougher than regathering after one. While keeping your children uninvolved in your arguments, it is important that they understand that there are reasons spouses face divorce, and if the rift is caused by any sort of abuse, this must be discussed and shown to be unhealthy behavior.
Each child is going to handle divorce differently. I was not gifted growing up in a happy family which of course, made me strong to face challenges and adjust to them in my personal life. When parents try to stay together and pretend everything is ok, rare are the children fooled. Children often pick up on conflict even before the parents admit tensions to themselves.
Support groups or therapy can be helpful. I could spend time with family and friends and was able to be active at my church as a way to create some steadiness. It is very important for the children involved in the divorce, as well as the parents to take a break from the constant worry.
Finally, this is from my personal experience, and the experiences of my siblings and family members who have survived divorce relatively intact. As long as you put your children’s interests first, there is no single correct way to deal with trauma. Remember that no one wants to have their marriage fail, and the guilt you feel may be being felt by your children as well. Be honest with them, but don’t give them too much to deal with. Your life keeps going beyond divorce but it makes you feel that you have nothing left in life for you.
If you want more information, you can learn more about my practice as an experienced Austin Texas family law lawyer. You can also watch our free online Austin Texas divorce video at www.AustinDivorceHelp.com. Divorce doesn’t have to be a disaster. Learn how a Austin Texas collaborative lawyer can help you through family disputes with dignity.
